Funny Stories

Ali interviewed by Danny Plunkett in LOADED magazine issue 61 May 1999

Loaded What school did you go to?

G. Staines Comprehensive. Me was bored 'cos me had to do the same year for four years; they did'nt know me was dyslexical, and lots of people have told me that me have got the brain of a brain scientist if me only been to school and not fallen behind so. Also, me did'nt get on with me teachers after Mr Rogers slapped me in the art room. I'm not saying him was a battyman, but him left hand on me face a bit too long if you know what I is saying. An' the Headmaster were'nt too happy when he Found out me was boning Mrs Spiro, the biology teacher, ayyyy. Man, she could do this thing with her mouth. She could blow it and whistle at the same time, which is why me learnt most of me stuff watching telly at me nan's and hanging wiv me homies under the bridge. That was me university, where me learnt me hip-hop; me did'nt stop and me still rock. Ayyy.

L How old are you now?

G. Old enough to know what to do with me beast.

L What did you do before becoming a TV presenter?

G. Me did what the other kids in Staines did; me hung around McD, me did a bit of dealing, me boned and me honed and drove around the John Nike leisure centre in Bracknell at five miles an hour, booming out some serious Busta Rhymes from me motor, innit.

L Does it pay well?

G. What? Crack? Are you stupid as well as mental, man?

L No, TV presenting?

G. Y'know, me ain't complaining, when you work out the piss-poor money thay give you at Channel 4 and add in me housing benefit, me dole money, me youth employment fing, me bit of wonga me get from me dealing this an' that, me is doing alright. But it ain't about what me is getting. It's about all my people, and what they is getting is leadership, spirit, realness, in Staines, and Langley and Iver Heath and Chertsey an' that's what matters, innit?

L Do you agree with positive discrimination?

G. Discrimination is wrong throughout the nation an' even in a space station- if there are brothers there. An' me explanation - wicked dat rhymes! - Is it's a degredation an' a exploitation against a man, or a woman, or a positive, whatever that is.

L Does anyone help with the questions you ask?

G. Before each interview me and me homies get together, get mashed, an' look in a book or something. Yeah. And sometimes me ask me mate, Slick Rick. He is well clever, him has got a GCSE - a real one.

L What inspired you to be a youth presenter?

G. Me bitch Julie... Big shout to Julie, but there's no way that kid is mine, man. She said me should stop sitting round all day wiv me hand on me warrior watching TV, of just 'ffiti-ing up the hood and do something wiv me life, so me got into Spelthorne Cable - 'cos there was a dodgy lock on The back door. Hihihihihi. Then me sold them one of them cameras back to them and got a job as a runner, delivering E's and shit, cause then cable people are permanently loved up, man. One day they wanted someone to do the weather 'cos the weather lady was banged up on some superskunk me Had sold her and she'd just stare at the camera and go, "whatever..." That got me the job presenting the programme on the local access slot called "All Bhangra'd Up". It was just like for the ethnics of the areas, but me got so popular me could'nt walk down the High Street in Langley Village for fear of me being glued up with pussy, man. So me nan was right, though it's a lot more fun watching telly than being on it, 'cos you got to get up at stupid times of the day and sit around wiv a lot of middle class ponces from Oxford listening to them tossing on and on and on about nuffink.

L Do you mould yourself on Parkinson, Feltz or Richard and Judy?

G. Listen, firstly Vanessa Feltz, if me memory serve me right, is a woman, and she is fat, so how could me mould meself on her? Nutter.

L Are you armed?

G. Of course I is armed, man. It ain't safe without a piece in Staines. After what them did to me main man Jazzy F, you got to be stupid not to pack an Uzi. Me found him under the bridge near me nan's with most of his stomach all over his head. Ugly, man.

L Are you handy with an aerosol?

G. Me is a human aerosol. Apart from me last bit of writing, which I can't tell you about 'cos it was on some pile of stones in Wiltshire and me got a bunch of hippies on me back about it.

L Is it you who writes on toilet walls?

G. No, me piss on 'em, you fuckwit.

L What do you drive?

G. A car. What do you think? Jesus, man!

L What about in-car entertainment?

G. Me got eight mega woofers in front, big bass bins in the back, coupla speakers me have strap on top, but just now it's too much power for me battery, cause it's only an XR2, so me is using me Walkman right now.

L Do you do drugs at all?

G. .Yeah, what do you want?

L Has Ganga led you to crack cocaine?

G. No. Ganga makes you stoned and it is a drug, so it can't lead you, 'cos it's a drug, innit? Do you want some or not?

L Is there a big crack scene in Staines?

G. Staines ain't that bad, but where is well bad is Eaton Wick where most of the people including the Mayor - you ain't gonna print this is you? - is rock stars. A lot of people is saying now that the whole of Berkshire is worse than South Central LA, and a whole lot of them addicts from over there is coming over here to learn to do it proper. For real. We has got to clean up the ghetto, get the kids off the streets and into rehab, else the whole of the Spelthorne region is going to be a no-go area in a couple of years.

L What does the B in B-boy stand for?

G. I dunno. That is a good question. I think it stands for be, spelled B and then E.

L Should we scrap the pound for the Euro?

G. Yeah... what?

L Do you breakdance?

G. Of course me breakdance, man. I ain't a disablist, check this. It's the midair helicopter (Ali crashes, awkwardly, to the floor). Ayyy listen, can we finish dis now. It's just that me bitch is waitin', an' me is losing me stiffy.